The Boosh meets Red Dwarf
by The Crack Fox
Summary: This is a crossover of Red Dwarf and the Mighty Boosh. Simple as. It's slighty confusing at some points but that will be resolved! Hope this is up to standards! Please reweiw! Stay mental, The Crack Fox!
1. Quarantine

**I do not own The mighty Boosh or Red dwarf, although i wish i did. I am not repeating this in every chapter. This is my first fanfic and reviews would be greatly appreciated!

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**Quarantine**

We were in a military gray room, with four beds and four chairs. That was about it. I could make this room look so much better with some neon paint and GLITTER! OH MY GOD MY HAIR! I caught sight of it in a mirror, however we got here my hair had taken a serious hit and I think I left my root booster at home! Crap!

"How did we end up in here? Howard? Howard? … HOWARD!

"What?"

"How did we end up in space?" I moaned at Howard for the billionth time.

"I don't know little man, it's probably just some sick joke…"

"Who is doing this though? Naboo and Bollo are asleep in the next room so it can't be them!"

"… good point well made sir"

Howard genuinely looked confused (and slightly hurt that I had pointed out his mistake) how could we be in space? Its ridiculous! A joke, Tony Harrison probably.

Howard had been reading a jazz magazine he had found in a cupboard, why on earth would someone put a jazz magazine in a cupboard? "_Well…" _said my brain cell "_they could be trying to hide it.". _I hate it when he's right.

"Howard, was there a copy of cheekbone in there? The new issue should be out in three minuets but we're in space and I don't think Ninjas have rockets".

Howard chuckled.

"What are you laughing at?"

"Your in space and you want to read cheekbone? It's ridiculous!"

"Oh but reading about jazz when your in space isn't ridiculous then?" Howard just lowered his eyes back to the magazine.

"Gentlemen, your conversation makes for some quite interesting listening." a voice said from behind what I thought was a mirror (I had been fussing over my hair for nearly three hours now) it is obviously a window, I think.

"NABOO" Vince screamed.

"What? What's happening?"

"There's a voice behind the mirror" I said casually. Naboo didn't look happy that I wasn't scared like Howard (He was hiding behind a chair repeating over and over: Don't kill me. I've got so much to give)

Then in a strong, well as strong as you can get being 5ft1, voice Naboo said "Who are you" He could have thought of something better to say, like **I demand to know who you are **or… erm, _I can't think of anything else right now, give me a minuet, I was thinking of silver cowboy hats again. Sorry!_ Stupid brain cell!

"I am Arnold J. Rimmer. You are on the Jupiter mining corporation ship Red Dwarf."


	2. A strange turn of events

**This is the seccond chapter, sorry that both chapters so far have been so mind numbingly short. I will add a long chapter soon. For anyone who hasn't seen red dwarf (But you should have!) this is what it's about: Basicly, Red Dwarf itsself is a space ship. The crew consits of a hollogram (Rimmer), an android (Kryten), a cat like creature (Cat, inventive name huh?) and the last human being alive (Lister). they are 3million years from earth and are trying to get home. So thats pritty much all you need to know for now. Thanks to Awaris for my first ever reveiw, i hope you find this chapter as good as the last. Obviously reviews are very helpful.

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****A strange turn of events**

"RED DWARF?" I practically screamed "That's a TV show, and a very good one at that" Damn, did I just say that out loud? Obviously yes 'coz everyone was looking at me funnily, even Howard who had now stopped weeping.

The lights went on behind the window, this made it much less reflective so I couldn't use it as a mirror anymore. There was a man sat behind it. Arnold, ha, what a funny name…

"You look troubled gentlemen. Is something amiss?" Arnold (Ha) said, he had a very flat voice. It was kinda creepy…

"No definitely not, why would anything be amiss?" Naboo replied in a shaky voice, he obviously knew what was going on even if I didn't.

"I'm sitting here in a red and white gingham dress, and army boots and you say there is nothing amiss!"

"Well we don't know you so this could be what you always wear, for all we know you could be mental…"

"SHUT UP Vince!" Howard screeched at me.

"Why are we in here?" Naboo asked, as if he didn't already know.

"You are in quarantine gentlemen, just to make sure you aren't infected with some strange virus. I have no intention of contracting some strange 21st century virus."

"21st century? What year is this?" I asked, and now regretted asking.

"This is the year 3002010. You are here because Howard over there won a competition, you have been on this ship for 3million years, in stasis obviously."

"Howard why didn't you tell us" said Naboo "**OR** at least asked us if we wanted to be frozen in time for 3million years! Arnold,"

"Please, call me Rimmer"

"O.K then, Rimmer, I believe we have been in here for 5 days so you can let us out, no one has any virus and no one's insane."

" I want to let you out but the king of the potato people wont let me, I begged him, I got down on my knees, and wept. He wants to keep you here, keep you here for 10 years."

"Can we see him?"

"Who?"

"The king."

"Do you have a magic carpet?"

"Yeah, but _Howard_ left it at home! I told you we'd need it!"

"Let me get this straight you want to go on a magic carpet, to see the king of the potato people and beg for your freedom. And your telling me your perfectly sane? I think this calls for three hours W.O.O"

"What's W.O.O?" I stupidly asked, I'm really not thinking today, focus Vince, you can think of Cheekbone later!

"You had to ask" Howard replied, something in his tone upset me…

"With Out Oxygen…" BANG

"Sorry for that" A strange looking man said "_He's a robot you idiot" _Yeah but he's not in disguise… _"Does that matter, I mean think about it. This is 3million years in the future Vince" _Fair enough. "Mr. Rimmer has a strange hologramatic virus, let me get you out of here, the rest of the crew are waiting...

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Dun Dun Duuuuuuuuuuun cliffhanger (kinda, lol), please review!


	3. Expanations and clothes

**OK so this is the third part of my first fanfic, hope its as good as the rest. yet again reviews would be helpful and thanks to the people who have reviewd before (All 2 of them) Stay mental, The Crack Fox

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****Explanations and clothes**

"This is Mr Lister, Mr Cat , you've already met Mr Rimmer and I'm Kryten."

"Wait one moment sir, I entered a competition to spend a year on a space ship with a CREW! 4 people don't count as a crew!"

"Oh, about that" Lister said "Well Rimmer didn't fix the ship properly so the whole crew was killed but I was in stasis like you because I had a cat, Frankenstein, and she got caught so I was put into stasis as a punishment. Frankenstein had kittens that evolved into Cat, the rest of them died, Rimmer was brought back as a hologram to keep me sane and we found Kryten in a crashed ship."

Me, Howard, Naboo and Bollo just looked confused.

"O.K, I've got a question too," Howard rolled his eyes "Rimmer, you're a hologram so how did Kryten knock you out?"I said.

"Well… Erm… Kryten?" Rimmer looked very confused at my question.

"Well, Mr Rimmer is a hard light hologram, this means that he can eat and touch things, just like a human but with the added bonus that he can't be harmed. But because Mr Rimmer had a holovirus his hard light drive was damaged, meaning he could be knocked out." I was nodding along to Kryten's explanation, I wasn't listening though. I did say I could think about Cheekbone later…

There was a moments silence so I turned to Cat and said "Nice suit, is that a velvet lining? It's genius!"

"Yes it is velvet, and thanks. You have a keen eye for fashion, let me show you my wardrobe…" and with that we walked out of the room.

"Why is he smart when it comes to clothes?" Lister asked.

"Well sir, according to my calculations…"

"Shut up Kryten! So, Howard. Why did you enter that competition?" Something about that question unnerved Howard, and even Howard didn't know why. Instead of answering Howard just looked nervously at the floor.

"Cup of tea anyone?" Bollo asked.

"Yeah, why not" Everyone said at once, Well I say everyone, what I mean to say is Rimmer, Naboo, Lister and Howard said at once.

_**Cat's Wardrobe:**_

"OH MY GOD!" I screamed.

"This is only the hall, wait until you get inside" Cat looked very smug.

"There's more…" I almost fainted, it's like TopShop but BETTER!

"Yep, three floors… you ok mate?"

I fainted.

When I came round I was laid on a huge double bed with an electric blanket, surrounded by rack after rack of clothes. "You have a bed in here?"

"Yeah! It's easy to get lost so there's a bed in every one in five rooms. This room is one of the 20 rooms for my suits"

"It's so beautiful" I'd even say it was genius!

"You can have anything out of here, I can't wear an outfit more than once, it gives a bad image. You should know, Howard says you're the most fashionable person he knows." I blushed.

"Yeah well Howard doesn't know many people, but I am the most fashionable person in North London" That's what I tell myself even if it's not true… "So I can have anything? Even this, and this, and this" By this point I already had 20 outfits in my arms.

"Yeah, but take good care of them, they're all hand made by Jean Claude Jaquettie"

"… are you SERIOUS? How the hell did you get Jean Claude Jaquettie clothing in SPACE, 3MILLION years from earth?"

"They were here when I got here so I claimed them. So I take it you have heard of him?"

"Yeah, just a bit. He made the outfit I'm wearing now. I call it The Mirror Ball Suit! I told Howard I made it but I'm no good at sewing"

"Cool, could I get one?"

"… NO! Most definitely not! This is one of a kind and MINE! … sorry, I get protective when it comes to clothes"


	4. For God's sake

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Chapter 4, at last. I get really anoyed when people put "Two updates in one week" on here. I'Ve been writing this for nearly a week and updated for times!

**My English teacher asked us how we like to wright storys. Me, I like to sit at the computer and type, then if a new idea pops into my head, POP, like that, I just fit it in wherever. Thats how i rite! Thanks for reviews and to the people who read this from the start, Awaris and DaTrikseyHobbit, I hope this isn't too terrible, I don't really like this chapter. Yet again I DO NOT OWN THE MIGHTY BOOSH OR RED DWARF!**

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**For gods sake!**

"What's in here?" I asked Kryten, he had been showing me around the ship (And dragging me away from mirrors but that's not important right now…)

"I'm not sure, there's no label."

"Lets have a look shall we?"

"Erm sir… I don't think that's a very good idea. It could be anything"

"Or it could be nothing"

I started turning the handle of what I was told was a stasis pod, just like the one we were in for 3MILLION YEARS! I can't believe Howard! Why would he do this without asking… Oh, OH GOD! This was all my fault.

"_Howard, please Howard! Just this once, pleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeease!"_

"_Fine then, we can watch red dwarf, IF you shut up about it" I nodded._

"_Er Lister, is that a cigarette your smoking?" "No it's a chicken" The TV said._

"_Howard, I'd love to go to space, it'd be GENIUS!"_

"Are you alright sir?" Kryten asked, he sounded way to concerned. Like Bollo but a lot more annoying!

"Yeah I'm fine" and with that I opened the door "Oh for gods sake!" The big white rabbit inside the stasis pod twitched. "Kryten, RUN!"

"May I ask why?"

"Well basically, He's this big white rabbit, yeah, and you've got to leg it from him or throw peanuts at him or just take your boot off and hit 'im round the head with it because if he catches you he just throws you on the floor and rapes you!"

"Well in that case…" Kryten was halfway down the corridor before he'd finished the sentence. I started running too, it was his brother. In a ship this big there must be somewhere to hide.

We passed Howard and Rimmer having a conversation about Jazz and Morris dancing (What on EARTH is Morris dancing?) "RUN AND PELT THE RABBIT!" I screamed as we ran past, Howard immediately followed, but Rimmer… I don't want to talk about it…

Sat in Lister's room, having finally lost the rabbit, Rimmer walked in shaking. He looked like he'd seen a ghost (He's a hologram, get it? Well I thought it was funny…).

"What happened to you?" Lister asked smirking, I'd told Cat and Lister about my genius game Pelt the rabbit and his big white face. Rimmer tried to sit down on the chair nearest the door but missed and landed on the floor, he looked drunk.

"I'm back, kicking bottom or what!" A man's head on a computer screen said.

"Holly! Your back man, where you been?" Lister seemed so excited to see the man's head named HOLLY.

"Well someone was buying clothing off the internet and the site gave me a virus. I've been offline sorting my self out for the past few days. Who's this?"

"Welcome back online sir! This is Vince Noir, Howard Moon, Naboo and Bollo. They're the people who won the competition." Kryten replied.

"Hello. Well to cut these introductions short, I'm holly the ships computer, nice to meet you. Hold on, I'm getting something on the scanners. A pod."

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**, What's in the pod, and more importantly will it mess up Vince's hair or steal Naboos potions? Find out next time. I have to give DaTrickseyHobbit credit for the pelt the rabbit, it was her idea to put it in, Thanx for a good story line DaTrickseyHobbit!**


	5. The Rabbits Are Back

**My seccond chapter of the hour! Wow. Beat that losers!****

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**The Rabbits Are Back**

"Howard, I just thought of something…"

"What is it little man?"

"Well we're on a ship, so that would make us sailors…"

"Yeah, what's your point?"

"And we're in the future. So that would make us…"

"Future sailors" We said in sync "Oh yeah. We're the future sailors, oh yeah. Cyborg seadog tell us what you dream of, future sailors OH YEAH" Everyone had stopped and started staring at us. God how are they gonna react when we start crimping? Luckily we were outside the room where the pod was.

"Ok lets see what's inside this then…" Lister said as he started the opening process.

"Wait a minuet," Rimmer said, I don't like him. He's too boring and cautious, is that even a word? Brain cell wake up! _Cheekbone, huh, what? Oh yeah it is a word and a long one at that, im off back to bed I'm tired!_ Useless, honestly! "when Vince opened that stasis pod a rabbit came out of it. This could be even worse."

"Vince, it looks like a mirror ball but with a polo on the side." Howard said.

"GET IT OPEN!"

"Is no one listening to me?" Rimmer asked blankly.

"I like shiny things, ok? And, hey, it's a giant mirror ball, how bad can it be?"

"Ok, but if we end up dead I'm blaming you!"

"Erm sirs" Kryten interrupted "Could I advise that we leave this for now and start running again?"

"Why…?" Everyone, apart from Kryten, said in sync.

"Because of them" He pointed behind us.

"What do you mean THEM?" I felt breath on my neck and spun round slowly.

OH GOD! "THERE'S TWO OF THEM NOW? Kryten, I think your right lets RUN!"

Everyone split up. Me and Cat headed for the place we knew best, his wardrobe. Howard and Rimmer ran off somewhere, I hadn't finished exploring the ship when I found the rabbit, Lister and Naboo headed for the bar (Naboo is usually on drugs but he's never really been one to drink much…) and Bollo and Kryten headed to the kitchen, their 'happy' place.

"Where, did, the, other, one, come, from?" Cat panted, we had just ran down 20 corridors and onto the second floor of his wardrobe. We're in the second shoe room, not that that really matters but shoes will do more damage than suits.

"Hey, Cat. Can I have these shoes?" I'd picked up a pair of high heel platform boots, mirror ball shoes!

"Yeah sure, you a 7?"

"Yeah! Perfect fit, these complete this outfit. Genius!"

Cat just laughed.

"Shut up! They'll find us" And with that two huge white rabbits walked through the door…

_Meanwhile…_

"So this is the bar then" Naboo sounded unimpressed.

"Yeah, it's not much but there's lots to throw so we're well protected!" Lister beamed.

"Great… You got any tequila?"

"Yeah over there"

"Thanks"

_Back to me, amazing me and my awesome hair…_

"There's an old cat saying that would be appropriate here, it goes something like this: We are all, gonna die."

"Way to look on the bright side" I picked up a shoe, and then put it down again.

"Why did you put it down?" We now had our backs against one of the walls of shoes.

"It's mine"

"Oh. Well get another one!"

"I can't, it's such a waste. They're all so beautiful!"

"They're my shoes do you really think I can throw them at a giant rabbit? NO!"

I'd obviously just picked up Cat's favourite pair of shoes. I placed them down again and he breathed a sigh of relief.

BANG! The bigger rabbit fell to the floor and as the smaller one spun round it was hit in the face with a giant polo. It fell to the floor.

A man wearing a gold metal suit with blond curly hair and wings was stood in the doorway. "Genius" I breathed.

"I am Sunflash and I am from the fuchaaa!" He said with an ascent that I can only describe as a mixture of Chinese and Chav.

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Yes there might be a crimp in a chapter soon! For now, Stay mental!


	6. Sunflash

**The 6th chapter, finally!****

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**Sunflash**

"I am Sunflash, and I am from da fuchaaa" Said Sunflash with an accent that I can only describe as a mixture of Chinese and Chav.

"What's that accent all about?" Cat asked.

"It is a mixture of Chinese and Chav" Told you "I call it Chavese!" Sunflash is very weird… "Everyone is doing it in the future"

"In the future?" Cat asked, I'm not quite sure what he meant by that

"Yeese"

"Yeese?" I said, confused

"Yeese"

"That's south African isn't it?"

"Yeese, there is a bit of that thrown in as well. Hahaha" His laugh cut right through me, this can't be good…

"Well then, " I said cautiously, wow that's along word "Would you like too meet our friends?"

"There are more? I only have room on my ship for two people…"

"WHAT?" Me and cat practically screamed "YOU WANT US TO GO WITH YOU?"

"Yeese. You two are very fashionable men," _Vince, I like this guy! _Yeah me too… "do you not want to know what earth is like now?" Sunflash looked hurt that we hadn't jumped at the chance to go with him to a better, more fashionable, world. "Jean Claude Jaquettie will be very disappointed…"

"Did you just say…"

"Yeese. He is the leader of our people. He sent me here to find you two!"

Cat fainted and I wasn't far off doing the same. "You mean that Jean Claude Jaquettie is the ruler of the EARTH?"

"Yeese"

I was suddenly very aware that I was standing in front of a fashion icon.

_Meanwhile…_

"I see that you have a lot of stationary Rimmer" Howard beamed, he liked stationary.

"Yeah but I have nowhere to put it all so it just stays spread all over my desk"

"Well what you need is a stationary village"

"A what?"

"Stationary village"

_Lets leave that and check up on Naboo… Oh god!_

Lister was laid on the floor, completely drunk, and Naboo was rambling on about why you should never let a fox in the house (He just HAD to bring it up, didn't he!). He was obviously drunk too.

_Back to Howard and Rimmer…_

"There, your own stationary village"

"Run me by how it works again"

"Well, Blue tack lives in the blue tack garden, cello tape upon the cello tape tree. The higher the branch the stickier the tape, it's a simple system. Paperclips live in paperclip castle and safety pins in safety pin cottage. That's the way it is and the way it stays, all of the time got it?"

Rimmer nodded even tough he was clearly confused. "Right, so what happens if someone moves something?"

"You glue there mouth shut! With this…" He handed Rimmer a holster full of 12 prit sticks and a glue gun. "You are now the sheriff of your own stationary village."

"Wow, I, I, I don't know what to say, thanks!"

"Don't say anything, it's all part of the job"

"What job?"

"Not sure…"

_O.K. That's boring, back to me!_

We were walking down the corridor back to Lister's room, well Sunflash was more skipping, he's very enthusiastic_ FOR GODS SAKE stop tiring me out with long words Vince! _Sorry brain cell!

"This is Rimmer, Lister, Kryten, Naboo and Holly" I introduced everyone.

"Hahahaha" God! If he laughs again I may just kill myself… NO I DIDN'T SAY THAT, who would keep all of my clothes clean?

"Who's this?" Rimmer stupidly asked.

Sunflash was stood, hands on hips, looking like god. He slowly turned his head towards Rimmer and said "I am Sunflash" in a really creepy voice, on I hadn't heard before.

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Please review.


	7. We've got a problem

**Ok, so chapter 7. It's the shortest so far and very weird. I've got a bit of writers block that why it's so short but I do know what Vince is looking for, don't worry that will be explaneds in the next couple of chapters. R&R please.****

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**We've got a problem…**

Sunflash and Cat had walked out of the room, I think Cat was planning on showing Sunflash his wardrobe.

"What's up with him? He's like Vince on antidepressants" Howard said. Everyone looked blank. "Vince is the most excitable person I know, never mind…" I knew what Howard meant.

"And what's up with his accent?" Rimmer asked

"Well it's a mixture of Chinese and Chav, he calls it Chavese. Don't ask why he speaks like that" I'd asked on our way to Lister's room and got very confused. It was something to do with his ancestors being Chinese and learning English in Camden, I wasn't really listening though.

"Anyway, we've got a problem…" I said slowly "Sunflash want's to take me and Cat to earth. It's run by Jean Claude Jaquettie now."

Howard looked hurt. I must've looked too excited about the whole thing…

"Let them go!" Rimmer said "Neither of them are bringing anything to the crew, they're not needed"

"Black card Rimmer" Lister said, his voice was flat.

"WHAT? YOUR black carding ME"

"This is a black card situation end of conversation" Lister had drawn a 'H' on his forehead, he must've been mocking Rimmer. "We'll talk about it later"

"Howard…" I said quietly. He was crying.

"Come on guys lets give them a bit of space…" Naboo said.

After they had left Howard turned away from me sniffing. "Howard…"

"Just go, Vince. You'll have more fun with Sunflash and Cat. We've been here for almost two days" God, I hadn't slept for almost 48 hours "and you have hardly spoken to me. I'm sure you'll have fun in a world run by Jean Claude Jaquettie." His tone upset me. It was like he was trying to make me go, this is really weird, it can't be real… "Howard, I'll be back in a minuet…" and I ran out of the room, not sure what I was looking for...

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**Confused yet? It will be sorted, Prommise. For now, Stay Mental! XX**


	8. What the smeg?

**Warning! Contains violence! Still read though. The title has nothing to do with the chapter but I couldn't think of anything else!****

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**What the smeg?**

Running, just running. Not sure where or why. Running.

"Erm, Sir?" Kryten said as I ran past.

I stopped, just short of a wall, and went back "Yeah?"

"Sunflash and Cat are waiting in landing bay 7."

"Thanks Kryten"

I started running again, more running. Then I slowed so I wouldn't seem too tired when I went in.

"Hey guys!" I beamed, trying to look more enthusiastic than I was.

"Hey buddy" Cat replied.

"We should be going now" Sunflash said in that annoying voice. We walked up the stairs onto the ship…

_Let's check up on Howard…_

Howard was sat in the corner of Lister's room giving himself Chinese burns, it always brings me down when I see he's been givin' himself Chinese burns… Lister walked in and then turned and left again. He's so helpful. Naboo came back a few seconds later "Bollo's with Kryten, learning how to fold sheets"

Howard said nothing.

"Come on Howard, do you really think that Vince is going to be more than a few hours? Really? I mean, come on, it's Vince! He'll get bored soon enough."

"Yeah I know. He's got bored of me so it shouldn't take long for him to get bored of Sunflash and Cat, maybe 15 years. Not long at all!" And with that Howard went back to giving himself Chinese burns.

Naboo sighed, This was going to be harder than he thought…

_Back to me…_

Just as the door was closing I came to my senses. "YOU ARE RUINING EVERYTHING!" I yelled at Sunflash, holding a gun to his head. "I WAS HAPPY WITH HOWARD AND YOU HAD TO GO AND MESS IT ALL UP! I know what you are…"

Cat looked blank.

"He's a, never mind."

"No go on, tell him" Sunflash said, I still had the gun to his head.

"SCREW THAT!" I shot him.

Back to Howard and Naboo…

"What the hell was that?" Naboo asked. He looked at Howard and dragged him too his feet. They started running, Howard trying his best to cover his wrist.

They reached the landing bay along with everyone else.

"Oh god Vince…" Howard was crying more now. "What have you done this time?"

Naboo slowly walked towards the ship. The door finally opened and Cat walked out, trembling.

"Where's Vince?"

I'd fallen after shooting Sunflash, that little gun had power, and hit my head on the wall. I was out cold.

"Vince…" Howard breathed. He ran up the stairs to find me and Sunflash laid on the floor, surrounded by blood. Howard picked up the gun. I groaned and shifted slightly (I'd been laid on a shoe). "Vince…" Howard sounded like he was going to cry again "Vince! You're alive?"

"You didn't thing I'd go without saying goodbye did you?" And I gave him my trademark cheeky grin.

Howard leant forward and hugged me. "Don't ever do that again!"

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**Another Warning! Next chapter may contain fluff, not sure yet. Stay mental, The Crack Fox. X**


	9. Seriously?

**Warning: Contains fluff, not much though.  
****DaTrickseyHobbit I hope this is'nt too much for you to adapt, sorry if it is. You'll just have to cut it out. (She's adapting it into Manga...)  
I'm hoping that you all think this is as good as the rest.  
I DO NOT own the Mighty Boosh or any of the charicters, they belong to Noel Fielding and Jullian Barratt. I also DO NOT own Red Dwarf or any of it's charicters, they belong to Rob Grant and Doug Naylor, I think.  
Sorry that the title isn't in the middle for some chapters the internet won't let me put it in the middle... :(**

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"Run that by me one more time…" Lister sounded confused.

"Well Sunflash" I shuddered at the memory "is, erm I mean was, a sort of despair squid. Kinda"

"Mr Vince is correct. Sunflash was in fact a GELF." And with our confused expressions Kryten continued "A genetically engineered life form. He was created to cause despair. He could also change his appearance to fit the desires of the person who first sees him"

"Seriously? He' a GELF?" Lister asked. He' not very bright…

"Yes"

"So because me and Vince were the first people to see him he became our ideal friend?" This was Cat.

"Exactly."

I looked over to Howard. He still looked hurt that I wanted to leave in the first place. "Come on Howard, you never really thought I was gonna leave did you?"

He turned away from me.

"Howard…"

Lister looked at everyone else and gestured to the door. Why do they have to leave us alone all the time?

"Please talk to me. Howard." it had been nearly an hour now and Howard just looked at the wall. "Howard, I thought we were a double act. We're like Pinky and Perky!"

Howard chuckled at that, we used to watch Pinky and Perky when we were kids.

Finally he whispered "why?"

"Huh?

"Why were you going to go with him?"

"You know me, I'll follow anything shiny. I'm like a magpie."

"You're not a magpie, for starters you have more colour than that"

We both laughed and finally Howard looked up at me, his tiny brown eyes twinkling.

I stood up, got a head rush, and fell onto Howard. I expected 'Don't touch me' but instead silence.

I didn't dare look up but then I felt a hand on my chin. He lifted my head so my eyes met his. Oh god Vince this is going to be the biggest mistake of your life. I kissed him quickly then gave him my trademark cheeky grin and started to stand up.

He pulled me down.

I was sat on the floor next to him (there weren't enough chairs for everyone). He kissed me, his kiss was soft and gentle. This was weird, like nothing I'd ever experienced before, but still amazing.

"Erm sirs…" Shit shit shit! Go away Kryten. Not now. Any other time but not now please. _He's still here…_ You think I hadn't noticed!

"Yes Kryten" Howard said pushing me off him. His lips were flushed from kissing.

"I've prepared your quarters, but if you like I could put you in the same room…"

"We're fine thanks Kryten"

"You didn't see anything. Got it!" I said.

"Don't worry sirs, I'll put the whole event under A for accidental and cross reference…"

"I don't care Kryten, just show us our rooms"

"Very well sirs, right this way"

Well done Vince, you've really fucked it up this time…

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**Well then... that's chapter 9. Yeah, sorry it's so short. See ya next time, The Crack Fox.  
P.S. I'm not sure how long it'll take me to write the next chapter so sorry if it's a long time. X**


	10. We're going fishing

**Yet again, sorry for this being a short chapter but I find a good finishing poin and then have nothing before it. I will TRY to post a long chapter next time.  
Robots in Disguise quote in the first line, listen to Wake Up! if you don't know it.  
R&R please.****

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**We're off fishing**

"Vince, Vince! Wake up. It's an order!" Honestly doesn't Cat know that I refuse to get up before 10?

"What?" I said, trying to sound sleepy so he'd let me go back to sleep. "What time is it? Half 8?"

"Yeah, I know, sorry." He didn't look sorry… "We're going fishing, wanna come?""Fishing?"

"Yeah, Holly fond an ocean moon with an S3 atmosphere" I stared at him blankly "It means we can breath there"

"K, give me a few hours and I'll be right with you…" I rolled over to go back to sleep. Cat grabbed my arm and pulled me to my feet.

"Get up"

"Howard? You don't like fishing, remember. Last time you were captured by old Gregg" I sniggered. Howard just looked angry, he'd obviously forgotten what happened last night…

"Just get up little man!" And with that he walked out the door.

Cat left shaking his head.

-X-

"OK, so what am I goin to wear…" I mumbled staring into my newly expanded wardrobe. "Mirror ball suit…" I was goin to team that with my white thigh high boots but then I remembered Cat had given me his mirror ball shoes.

-X-

"Oh, your finally ready." Cat said, he didn't sound impressed that I'd taken less time than him to get ready and I looked better. OK, so it did take me an hour and a half to get ready but Cat took two hours so I win!

"Yeah, You like?" I said doing a twirl wearing my cheeky grin that Howard loves so much.

Howard laughed. The twinkle in his eye from last night was back.

"Lets get going shall we?" Rimmer said, he has a very boring voice.

Hollys head popped up on screen "Oh who woke him up?"

"Sorry Holly, We tried to get past him but he woke up and found the note we left him" Lister said.

"Great"

-X-

"Who's old Gregg?" Cat asked just as we sat down in Star bug.

"Well" This could take a while "Some say that Old Gregg is half man half fish, others say its more of a seventy thirty split. Some say he's acquired the taste of human meat, doesn't react to conventional bait, the only way to hook him is with a child's toe."

"Some say" This was Howard "He's a ghost, can't catch what doesn't exist, hook goes right through him. Others say he's over 1200 years old. "

"Others say he rides a moped across the sea floor. Others say that if you look into his eyes you'll forget yourself and wake up in France, riding around on a cheese horse" Cat looked terrified. Scaring Cat is fun. "Some say he used to drum for the Kiserchiefs, others say he didn't."

"Well lets just hope we don't meet him on this planet then."

"Cat, He lives in Scotland in black lake. He won't be here..."

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**Thats it for another chapter, I've already started the next chapter so I don't think it'll be too long till it's up.**


	11. You've got to be kidding!

**OK Chapter 11. The longest yet. Yet again contains a bit of fluff. I said at the end of one chapter (I can't remember which) that there might be a crimp at some point but I don't think that's gonna happen sorry.  
I'm sure you've all worked out which charicter is going to make an aperance in this chapter...**

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**You've got to be kidding!**

Sat on the edge of the rock that we'd landed on. Bored out of my skull. Fishing on a planet with, apparently, no fish. What's the point? "Can we go now? I'm bored"

"For god's sake Vince. Would you shut up complaining. We're here to have a bit of fun, not to catch fish." Howard said, grinning. He likes fishing way to much, especially after what happened with old Gregg.

"Yeah, well I'm still bored"

"Well you would be"

"I'm off to get another drink, you want one?"

"No thanks"

And with that I stood up and walked back into Star Bug.

"Huh? I've got something!" Howard shouted in the general direction of everyone else "I've got something!"

"That's just not possible sir, the planet has no underwater life big enough to catch"

"Well this is pretty big Kryten"

I stepped out of Star Bug to see everyone crowding round Howard.

"I've got a bad feeling about this" Bollo said as Howard pulled whatever it was out of the water.

"Hi there" The fish said.

"You've got to be kidding! This isn't even possible!" Howard was panicking, I couldn't see what it was but the voice sounded strangely familiar… Oh…

"Hey Howard, you want some baileys" The fish, well Old Gregg, held up a half full bottle of baileys and a shoe and offered them to Howard.

"No thanks Gregg. How, how'd you find me Gregg?"

"Gregg?" Cat asked me.

"Yeah. It's Old Gregg."

Cat was not happy about that.

"You'd better not look into his eyes Cat, you'll end up in France"

"I remember Vince! Thanks for reminding me though" He turned around and ran towards Star Bug.

"Howard, put Gregg back in the water and we'll leave, k"

"OK"

"Howard, I don't think you should do that, you've already run from me once and I don't think you'd manage to live through doing it twice, do you?"

"No" Howard sounded terrified. Old Gregg was one of the only things he was truly afraid of, death was the other, well that's the only other thing I know about anyway. "No I don't think I would sir"

"Well then, you'd better come with me. I've got a bigger house now, and more baileys" Gregg loves baileys, probably more than he loves Howard…

"We'll give you a bit of space" Rimmer said and pointed towards Star Bug. We all walked away. It didn't feel right leaving Howard to Old Gregg, what's more, how in smeging hell did Old Gregg get 3million years from earth. _He's probably been following Howard since we left Black lake… _Well yeah, that would make sense.

-X-

"Why are you here Gregg? What do you want from me"

"I want a strong man to hold me at night"

"Great. Can't you find someone else?"

"Do you love me?"

"Not this again, Gregg…"

"Do you love me?"

"No Gregg, we've been over this before, I don't love you!"

"Well that's too bad"

"What do you mean?"

"You're not leaving here, not till Gregg gets what he wants"

Howard sighed, This was going to be a long night…

-X-

"We should just head back to Red Dwarf, he's not coming back" Rimmer said.

"We're not leaving without him!" I shouted back at him, doesn't he understand I love Howard "I'm not leaving him, I love him… I love him…"

"Vince, I think you've gone mad" Naboo said. Bollo nodded in agreement to Naboo.

"I'm not mad! I love him! I love him…" I grabbed my coat "Kryten, can this thing go under water?"

-X-

"No Gregg! I don't love you!"

"Why? Why don't you love me Howard? Hm?"

"It's just" He stopped to think "You're just not my type…"

Gregg looked confused. "Not your type?"

"No Gregg, you're not my type" What was Howard's type? Me? Doubt it, but that kiss meant something to me, it must have meant something to him too…

I opened the door "Howard!"

"Vince! What are you doing here?"

"I love you Howard!"

"YEAH WELL SO DO I" Gregg screamed at me. This can't end well.

"Gregg listen, I love Vince. You're a good friend" Greggs eyes lit up at that "But your not my type, you understand don't you?"

Gregg glared at me "Yeah, I guess so" he said through his teeth "See you again soon Howard, I promise"

"Great! I'll call you" Howard was faking the excitement in his voice at the thought of seeing Gregg again.

"Get over here Howard!" I helped him into Star Bug and hugged him tightly "I love you Howard."

"I love you too little man"

"OK then" Lister sounded nervous "Lets get back to the big red one shall we?"

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**I've been wanting to write Old Gregg into this for such a long time now. I think there could nly be about two chapters left of this story :(  
Review please.  
Stay mental,  
Vicki, AKA The Crack Fox :P**


	12. Is that even possible?

**OK then, chapter 12 YAY! HalianFromPlanetZork, this chapter will hopefully explain a bit about why Gregg didn't put up alot of a fight... you know what I mean even if no one else does! R&R please,  
The Crack Fox AKA Vicki AKA MowgilyInFlares (On devient art) X**

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**Is that even possible?**

"Will you gentlemen please stop that, it's weird! Honestly, think of others around you, please!" Rimmer hadn't stopped complaining about me and Howard (We were just sat on the sofa together, what's wrong with that?) since we got back to Red Dwarf.

"Shut up Rimmer" I said then Howard leaned down and kissed me softly on the nose.

"Yuck!" And that's when Rimmer walked out of the room.

"Guys…" I said "…where's Bollo? He's been ages"

"Don't worry little man, he's with Kryten learning more ways to fold sheets."

"Oh"

"Actually Vince, your right, he has been gone a long time." Naboo said, for once he sounded genuinely worried "How many ways can there be to fold sheets? I'm gonna go find him…" Naboo stood up and walked out of the room towards the laundry rooms, yes rooms. There's more than one. Actually there's four, I don't know why there's so many. I'll ask Kryten when he gets back.

"I'm goin with Naboo"

"Well I'm coming as well, we don't know what's happened sir. This could be really bad"

I looked up at him and smiled "Thanks Howard"

"Well I'm staying here!" Cat said.

"Well I'm going with them" Said Lister "You're fine to stay here though, I mean, I'm sure whatever got them won't come up here, too much hassle" And with that Cat was stood on his feet waiting to get out.

-X-

Walking down the corridors Howard had his arm around me "Howard, I can't breathe"

"Oh, sorry little man" He loosened his grip a bit, just enough so I could breathe again. I think he was trying to protect me.

"Please gentlemen, stop doing that" Rimmer had joined us a few minuets ago.

"Might I ask why sir?"

"Because it's, it's unnatural"

"Your in space, and DEAD!" Howard sounded angry that Rimmer kept hassling us.

"This is it" Lister said pointing to a closed door.

"Well, lets see what's happened then" Cat said as he put his hand on the door lock.

-X-

_(Just before Rimmer walked out)_

"OK, Bollo. If you fold the sheets like this" Kryten said "It reduces the amount of creases and makes it easier to put away"

"Oh yeah, I'll try that next time" Bollo said. Kryten looked happy at that, he's easy to please. "Huh?" said Bollo as the door opened "Shit"

-X-

We opened the door to find Bollo laid on the floor, unconscious, and Kryten dragging himself along the floor trying to reach his legs.

"What the hell happened in here?" Naboo said.

"The rabbits aren't dead" Bollo mumbled.

Naboo went blank.

"Naboo, Nabooilo!" Howard said, waving his hand in front of Naboo's face.

"I think…" I said then I was interrupted by Howard.

"Don't do that Vince, you might hurt yourself" He chuckled.

I glared at him. "I think that Naboo's in a trance, is what I was going to say"

"Oh. That makes sense. Naboo, Naboo" Howard was shaking Naboo to try and wake him up.

"Howard what are you doing you ball bag?"

"Naboo you're back!"

"What's up with him?" Naboo asked me. I shrugged.

"So Naboo," said Lister "What happened to them?"

"Something bad"

"Well never…" I said, then remembered Naboo's never been a fan of sarcasm…

"It would seem" Naboo said, glaring at me. I hid behind Howard "That the our old friends the raping rabbits were only knocked out…"

"Oh? Is that It?" I said stepping out from behind Howard "We can take them!"

"I wasn't finished, it also seems that Old Gregg caught a lift on the outside of Star Bug and has teemed up with the rabbits…" No one said anything "Now I'm finished"

Everyone looked at each other.

"Well what do we do?" Cat asked.

"Follow the Rimmer shaped blur" Rimmer replied before running back to his quarters.

"No! Don't do that." Naboo said as Cat started to follow Rimmer "We have to work out a way of befriending the rabbits"

"Is that even possible? Vince?" Howard asked me.

"I don't know. The game was only supposed to be a bit of fun but since we beat them in Brixton they don't like us very much so I doubt it"

"Ow my head, Bollo got terrible hangover"

"BOLLO" I screamed "Your ok!"

"Bollo need to sleep"

"Not right now Bollo we need you." Everyone knew that we didn't need Bollo at that moment but I read somewhere that your not meant to let someone with a head injury to sleep.

"Is no one going to help me then?" Kryten said, I'd forgotten about him…

"Sorry buddy" Cat said walking over to him "Can you fix yourself?"

"Yes, I think so. I just couldn't reach my legs to start fixing them. Those damn rabbits!"

"Hey Kryten, your getting the hang of anger" Lister said then he turned to us "I've been teaching him human emotions"

"Great… We need a plan" Howard said.

"We need a place where we won't be attacked again" I replied.

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**Not long till the end now, well not unless I think of something genius to put in!  
Stay mental,  
Vicki AKA The Crack Fox!**


	13. What a waste of bailies

**Sorry it's been so long. I've been buissy... Anyway, Chapter 13. This chapter explains my veiw of Vince's past (The bit in italics at the end) It's kinda depressing, sorry.  
Yet again thanks for the reviews. Hope you enjoy this. I do not own the Mighty Boosh or Red Dwarf!  
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**What a waste of bailies...**

"Here it is!" Rimmer shouted.

"What, a way to stop the rabbits and Old Gregg?" Howard asked.

"No, space core directive 1579572 stroke B: No two male officers shall share a relationship in front of an officer who is uncomfortable in this situation." He looked smug.

"Sir," Kryten said "I do believe that that is space core directive 1579572 stroke C"

"Bugger off smeg for brains" and, yet again, Rimmer walked out of the room.

"What's with him?" I asked.

"Don't worry sirs, Mr Rimmer is just not used to two men having a relationship, that's all" Kryten replied.

"Would you guys just shut up!" Naboo said "I'm trying to think of a way to defeat the raping rabbits who, if you had forgotten, have teamed up with Old Gregg. I think that is what you should be doing as well."

"Sorry Naboo" Everyone mumbled.

-X-

"Are you sure you don't want any bailies?" Gregg asked the rabbits.

"No thanks Gregg, we should really be trying to find Howard and the rest of them" WHAT THE HELL? The rabbits can talk? This can' be good… Oh yeah, we'd left Lister's quarters and were now hiding in the bar.

"Ah Howard" Gregg sighed "I miss my fuzzy little man-peach"

The rabbits just looked at each other.

Gregg finished his glass of bailies, he must have left all of his shoes in his new house, and stood up "OK then, lets go get em"

-X-

"Anyone got ant ideas?" I asked.

"Why the rush little man? We've got all the time in the world. And why are you whispering?" Howard said, god how I love that voice…

"No we don't, they're outside right now, that's why I'm whispering"

"Oh, well one idea is pelt them with stuff. That's all I've got, sorry"

"That's not a bad idea actually…" Naboo said.

We all looked at him then Lister said "WHAT? You spent over an hour thinking and you can't think of anything better than that? What are you playing at?"

"Well done Lister…"

The door opened and the underwater hermaphrodite known as Old Gregg walked through it. _So many long words Vince! _Great, you're back...

"Gregg" Howard said "One question before you kill us; What happened to Rimmer?"

The two rabbits walked thorough the door. One of them, the bigger one, had Rimmer in his hand. Is it a hand? It would be a paw for a rabbit wouldn't it? I don't know, I'll Google it when we get home…

"You think I'm going to kill you? Ha! Just them. Not you, you're mine now Howard. I'll make sure you never think of Vince again. You'll be happy with me. If you want to spare your friends I suggest you come with me" Gregg was smiling.

"No chance!"

"Oh, so you want to do this the hard way then? GET THEM!"

"FIRE!" And with that Kryten and Lister stood up from behind the bar, laser guns in hand, and started shooting at the rabbits and Gregg. Me and Cat stood up behind them on the bar stools and started pelting them with bottles of whiskey and bailies! That'll show Gregg!

"NOOOO! Don't waste bailies!" Gregg screamed.

"Leave now or the rest of the ships supply gets ejected out of the waste disposal unit" Naboo said.

"You wouldn't…"

"Oh we would, Kryten?"

"Right away sir" And Kryten walked over to the remote control panel and pressed the button.

"AAAAAAHHHH" Gregg screamed "You, you, you…" He started running at me "If it wasn't for you me and Howard would be happy, drinking bailies and having fun with the funk! You had to ruin it all! Do you know what the worst thing is? Hm? I followed you for 3 million years and you have to ruin it AGAIN!" by this time we were rolling around on the floor and he was strangling me.

Everything went quiet "Let go of him." Howard said, he has a gun to Greg's head. I flashed back to when I shot Sunflash, the noise, the blood, oh the blood. Gregg banged my head on the floor, I was out cold. That happens way too often nowadays…

-X-

_I opened the bathroom door "Mum?" I whispered "Mum.." She was sat on the floor with her back against the bath. Her hands were covered in blood "MUM!" I lifted her head, her eyes were closed and she wasn't breathing "Mum? What have you done…" I stood up and as I was leaving I noticed something red in the sink, more blood and a knife. A knife… I ran out of the room, into my bedroom. I packed everything I needed; Money, clothes and the picture of mum and me. I ran out of the house and to the only place I knew in this new town, the zoo… _I'd always go to the zoo after school to chat to the lion or some other animal… _"You OK little man?" I looked up, I was sat on the floor by the camel shaped hut "It's closing time soon, you'd better go home"_

"_I don't have a home, well not anymore…" I turned my head from the guy with the moustache._

"_What do you mean?"_

"_Does it matter!" I snapped at him "Sorry, I've had a bad day…"_

"_It's ok, so you need a place to stay?"_

_I nodded._

"_Give me a minute" He walked off._

_I leant my head back against the hut, tears streaming down my face. I must have been sat there for a while because the guy with the moustache was walking back towards me. I leant my head back forwards and wiped my cheeks._

"_It's sorted, you can stay here with me. Well, if you help out round the zoo. You'll get paid and everything. Oh yeah, I'm Howard." he said as he helped me to my feet._

"_Oh, I knew I recognised you from somewhere, you're in my maths class right?"_

"_Yes sir"_

_I ran my hand through my hair, _It was short at this time, _and picked up my rucksack. I followed him round the zoo until we reached a small hut near the back._

"_This is it" He said as he opened the door "It's not much but it's home. I never asked, what's your name?"_

"_Vince, Vince Noir..."_

**Yeah, so that's chapter 13. Please review.**

**Stay mental,  
Vicki (The Crack Fox) X**


	14. So many memories

OK so chapter 14! All of this chapter is Vince dreaming. Apart from the last paragraph all of the italics are Vince's memories and the normal is his braincell talking to him. In the last paragraph the italics are the braincell (Like in the rest of the story) and Vince is the normal type. I hope that it isn't too confusing...  
Yet again rewiews are greatly apreciated X

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**So many memories...**

"_Tell me about your family Vince" Howard said, we were on our way back from the zoo for animal offenders._

"_You've heard all of my stories"_

"_Not those, your real family. What happened be fore I met you?"_

"_Well…" I said slowly "I never knew my dad. Him and mum spilt up before I was born but from all of the stories he wasn't a nice person."_

_Howard pulled over, he hadn't stopped looking at me since I started talking._

"_It was just me and mum for about 16 and a half years then _he _turned up"_

"_You ok little man?"_

_Tears were streaming down my face "Yeah I'm fine, it's just hard that's all…"_

_I took a deep breath in and continued "He, Dave I think was his name, was horrible, he got mum into drugs and when she didn't have the money to get them he hit her"_

The memories hurt…

"_One day I walked downstairs to get a glass of water and found them in the kitchen. Mum was knelt down on the floor crying. Dave was shouting at her. I told him to leave her alone, he turned around. He had a knife in his hand, I didn't notice till then that mum was bleeding… Dave started to walk towards me so I turned away from him. He ended up cutting my back, I've still got the scars"_

"_Oh god Vince, why didn't you tell me?" He sounded really worried. I carried on anyway._

"_Mum and Dave split up after that and we moved to London. That's when I started coming to the zoo and when I learned I can talk to animals. I was telling the lion about my problems and then he said 'tell someone who cares' but that's another story."_

_I was still crying._

"_Mum just got worse, she started stealing to buy the drugs. Then on my 17__th__ birthday I walked into the bathroom to see if she was ok, she'd been in there for ages, she was sat up against the bath with blood all over her hands. She'd slit her wrists. I can still see her face, pale skin with black hair is never a good look…" I shuddered "I got my things an ran out of the house. I headed to the only place I knew in London, well the only place other than Top Shop, the zoo. Then you found me and turned my life around."_

"_Oh Vince" He pulled me into a hug "I'm so sorry…"_

-X-

"_I love you Vince" Howard said._

How the hell did I get to this memory?

"_Are you laughing at me?"_

"_No"_

"_You are, you're laughing. I've told you I love you and your laughing at me"_

Oh Vince, you are such a smeg head sometimes…

"_Really, I'm not interested in your wife I'm in love with someone already. I'm in love with Howard"_

Looking back Howard didn't really sound like he was lying did he Vince? This is really weird, it's like watching your life on TV…

"_Oh yeah, We're in love"_

That's when you kissed him, remember how good that felt?

"_Thanks Howard"_

"_No thank you. You've given me the gift of love. You've given me the keys…"_

Oh Vince, why haven't you worked it out yet? It's so obvious…

"_What are you doing here? I thought you'd gone off to see Jurgen"_

"_What can I say, Jurgen offered me a lot But I've got everything I need right here…"_

Right here… Right here… I love you Vince… I love you… The gift of love… I love you…

-X-

_He loves you Vince, he always has. Right from the moment you met. Why do you think he let you live with him, hm? And why do you think he saved your life all those times?_

I… I just thought…

_Yeah! Well you thought wrong Vince! Now tell me, how long have you loved him?_

Erm…

_Tell me Vince!_

I've always loved him, OK? Ever since that first maths lesson when he walked through the door…

_Finally. Right, now you can wake up Vince. Wake up… Vince wake up… Wake up, please wake up Vince..._

**Stay mental,**  
**The Crack fox XX**


	15. Finaly

**Alot of depression in this chapter, sorry for that. The song playing in the bar is Nancy Boy by Placebo (My new favorite song!)  
****Enjoy X**

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Finally.

"Wake up Vince. Wake up… Vince wake up… Wake up, please wake up Vince…" Howard's voice was shaky. "Please Vince, please wake up…"

"Fine, just shut up about it…" I mumbled.

"Vince!" He leapt onto me and hugged me so tight. His arms felt really good around my shoulders.

"What happened?" I asked him, trying to sit up.

"Well, Gregg started running at you then he knocked you out, but you remember that. Then after that he stood up…

"_You wouldn't shoot me Howard, hm? You're my fuzzy little man-peach, remember? We can be happy, just forget about Vince and come with me. You get what you want, the safety of your friends, Old Gregg gets what he wants, Howard Moon. Everyone's happy"_

"_Seriously Gregg. Do you think it would work, you and me?"_

"_It would work! We'd make it work!"_

"_Gregg, you've gone wrong" I winced at the use of my, now unconscious and possibly dead, friend's saying. "I'm gonna have to end this" I loaded the gun "Leave now and no one else gets hurt" Oh god Vince, please be ok, please…_

"_NO! I'm not leaving without you Howard!"_

"_Fine!"_

"And that's when I shot him" Howard's story sickened me.

"How could you? Howard the man, woman, fish, thing loved you!"

"Vince, do you think I don't know that? The problem was I didn't love him, I loved, and always will love, you Vince. I always have loved you! Don't you understand how I feel about you?" The tone of his voice upset me, I just wanted to say 'Yes! Yes I do, I love you too!' but oh no, now I've started being a bitch I have to keep it up.

"No, no I don't. Tell me. Because I sure as hell can't work it out!"

He just shook his head and walked out of the room. Great, well done Vince. You've just lost your one chance at a happy relationship! Good going!

-X-

"Erm, sir?"

"What Kryten!" I snapped at him.

"Where are you going, you should be in bed recovering"

"I'm fine! I'm off to get drunk, if there's any booze left… Is there a problem with that?"

The look on my face must have been terrifying because Kryten just shook his head slowly and carried on walking.

-X-

Sat at the bar, bored out of my skull without Howard, drinking myself to death. The song on the stereo sounded oddly familiar…

_Alcoholic kind of mood, lose my clothes, lose my lube, cruising for a piece of fun, looking out for number one, different partner every night, so narcotic outta sight, what a gas, what a beautiful ass._

This is just like my whole life, well I say whole life…

_And it all breaks down at the role reversal, got the muse in my head she's universal, spinnin' me round she's coming over me. And it all breaks down at the first rehearsal, got the muse in my head she's universal, spinnin' me round she's coming over me._

I mean more from when me and Howard kissed a few days ago…

_Kind of buzz that lasts for days, had some help from insect ways, comes across all shy and coy, just another nancy boy. _

That kiss felt good, all of them. I wont be getting any more, not after all this...

_Woman man or modern monkey, just another happy junkie, fifty pounds, press my button, going down._

Seriously though Vince, you have really ruined it. There's no chance that Howard's gonna forgive this one…

_And it all breaks down at the role reversal, got the muse in my head she's universal,spinnin' me round she's coming over me. And it all breaks down at the first rehearsal,got the muse in my head she's universal, spinnin' me round she's coming over me._

_Does his makeup in his room, douse himself with cheap perfume,_

That sounds more like me…

_eyeholes in a paper bag, greatest lay I ever had, kind of guy who mates for life, gotta help him find a wife, we're a couple, when our bodies double._

Not any more though Vince, you ruined it remember…

_And it all breaks down at the role reversal, got the muse in my head she's universal, spinnin me round she's coming over me. And it all breaks down at the first rehearsal, got the muse in my head she's universal, spinnin' me round she's coming over me._

I couldn't take anymore. I stood up and headed towards the door only to find myself lying on the floor. God I must be drunk…

-X-

My head hurt. The song lyrics ringing round in my head... Oh Howard, if only you knew how sorry I am...

"Oh not again Vince!" This Voice wasn't Howard's but it sounded familiar.

"Naboo?" Naboo, that's who it was.

"What are you doing? You can't get drunk, we're off home in a few hours"

"Oh right, I'll just get my… What?" I said, trying to sit up.

"We're going home. The thing is we weren't actually able to get home before because it's 3million years in the past but Kryten and Rimmer went moon hopping and found a time drive thing and he can send us back! Why aren't you jumping around? Vince, are you OK?"

"No I'm not OK Naboo, me and Howard have had a fight…"

"Oh that"

"DON'T SOUND TOO CONCEREND! I'm dying inside and you don't care!"

"No Vince I do care it's just I've spent the last half hour listening to Howard crying about it. If your gonna complain as well get on with it…"

"What, Howard's been complaining? I just thought he'd sit in the corner giving himself Chinese burns like last time. God, this must be really bad…"

"Yes it is Vince. Now you go into Howard's room and you make up! I'm not having you two running the shop like this"

"Fine, I'll go." I stood up and left in search of Howard.

The tiny shaman looked smug. Bollo walked in and said "Naboo look happy, he get Vince to apologise?"

"Sure did Bollo. Vince needs to realise when it's his fault"

Naboo stood up and walked towards Lister's quarters, followed by Bollo.

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**Stay mental,  
The Crack Fox XXX  
**


	16. Home time

**I'm so sorry it's taken me this long to get this up but I've had other things on my mind lately... yet again this is very short (I'm incapeable of writing a long chapter) Yet again I don't own The Mighty Boosh or Red Dwarf! Enjoy!****

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_Come on Vince, Howard's room is only two doors down from your's. _You think I don't know that? I'd been walking for hours now, I was still drunk and I was a mess. My hair had started to curl again cause I hadn't straightened it this morning, my mascara was running down my face from crying, I looked like a panda! God how I missed Howard. I know it had only been a few hours but I love him.

"Howard?" I said weakly, I really had had too much to drink…

"Whoa there little man" Howard said as he stopped me from falling.

"Oh Howard, I'm so sorry. All of this is my fault…"

"Shh. Come on, lets get you to bed, I'll pack your stuff. We'll talk later yeah?" He picked me up, I'd already fallen over once.

"Yeah… Howard?"

"What is it little man?"

"Don't ruin my new suits when you pack for me."

"I won't"

"Thanks Howard, for everything…" That's when I fell asleep in his arms. Great timing Vince.

-X-

"Vince! Get up!" Howard was shaking me roughly "Get up! I'm not opening up the shop again!"

"Fine, wait a minuet. Did you say shop?"

"Yes sir! And I'm not opening it, you can for once!"

God, what's eating him? And when did we get home? I mean I fell asleep yeah, but I thought Howard would have woken me.

My head hurt. That's the last time I drink over 10 flirtinis!

I got up, got dressed (Into my electric blue cat suit and red cowboy boots) and went down to the shop. "Howard? Why didn't you wake me up before we left?"

"What are you talking about little man"

"Why didn't you wake me up before we left Red Dwarf?"

He turned away from me and walked upstairs shaking his head.

"I guess I will open the shop then" I mumbled to myself.

-X-

"Naboo, this isn't fair. Vince really enjoyed being on Red Dwarf, we can't just make him forget about it!"

"I'm sorry Howard but it's for his own good. We can't have him telling people about how he spent a few weeks on a space ship 3million years in the future" The tiny shaman replied "It's best if we just let him think it was all a dream"

"I guess you're right Naboo"

-X-

"Ah, Howard. You're back. I made you a cup of tea, and the shops open but no one's come in yet so…"

"Shut up Vince!"

"What?"

"You're rambling"

"Oh, sorry Howard" I said lowering my eyes to my coffee "Howard, why did you walk off when I mentioned Red Dwarf?"

"Red Dwarf? Isn't that a TV show?"

"Yeah, but that's not the point, we were on that ship for almost 3 weeks Howard." He looked blank "We met Sunflash, then I killed him. Old Gregg followed us, then you killed him" I hadn't realised how much violence we'd caused "We got chased by the raping rabbits" Oh yeah, Kryten and the others finished the rabbits off "Don't you remember any of this?"

"Vince, you've gone wrong"

"No I haven't! Howard, please tell me you remember that we kissed… you remember that right?"

"We never did anything of the sort sir!"

"Well if you don't remember that then remember this" I walked round the table and kissed him again. He just stood there motionless, no 'Don't touch me' or anything. I stopped and looked into his eyes, no emotion at all. Tears started running down my face, I lowered my head. "Bitch" I muttered under my breath and stormed upstairs.

-X-

Oh Vince, I wish you knew how hard it was for me to just stand there. For me to deny that any of that happened. For me not to say 'I love you' and kiss you again. My cheeks were wet with salty tears. Come on Howard sort yourself out…

-X-

I walked down the stairs, past the shop, and outside. I was wearing black skinny jeans and a rolling stones t-shirt, no accessories. Well done Vince, keep your mouth shut next time, and keep it away from Howard's. I was starting to believe that the whole 'Red Dwarf' thing was a dream and I'd just ruined mine and Howard's relationship. That's the last time I ever say anything. Thunder clapped above my head and the first few drops of the storm fell onto my hair. I wasn't going back though, oh no! I'd ruined everything, I couldn't face Howard, not after this.

I walked down Camden high street in the pouring rain, heading to one place, I walked straight past Top Shop and past HMV. The music from inside seemed to be there to taunt me.

_All the feelings that I get  
But I still don't miss you yet  
_Oh but Vince, you do miss him don't you?  
_Only when I stop to think about it  
I hate everything about you  
Why do I love you  
I hate everything about you  
Why do I love you  
_But it's right, I do love Howard. I couldn't take anymore so I started running. People in raincoats with umbrellas walked past and gave me funny looks, yes ok I wasn't wearing a coat and my mascara had probably run again. I took a short cut down a alley way behind the Hen and Chickens, round the corner. I almost ran into the gates. I walked round to the very end of the fence and moved the plant that was growing over the gap. The zoo. The one place I knew. I moved the railings apart a bit more and climbed through.

The zoo seemed so empty, everything was coverd in dust and all of the metal was rusted. I hat to see it like this, especialy after all of the good memories. I hit my toe on a bit of wood on the floor. I picked it up and brushed the dust off it, I could only just make out the words 'Shaman session in progress' I looked up. There it was, Naboo's little shack. Most of it was coverd in ivy, most people wouldn't even notice it, but I knew it was there. I put the sign down and carried on walking.

I walked round the elephant enclosure (Well that's what Fossil called it…) and towards our old hut. I couldn't believe how run down it looked, half of the roof had caved in and all of the windows were boarded shut. "What happened Howard? How did it come to this?" I said to myself. I opened the door as far as it would go and stepped into my old house, careful not to destroy any more memories. It was just how we'd left it, sleeping bags on the floor and two mugs on the side. I went and sat on the now damp sofa. The rain was washing everything away. I looked over to the sink, there was something glinting in the moonlight (I must have been out for hours). One of my old badges, Gary Numan. I picked it up, stepped out of the run down shack and headed home.

**

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Hopefully there's only one more chapter and a happy ending (Maybe...)  
Stay mental,  
Vicki X

Home time


	17. A fairytale ending

**It makes me sad to think that this is the last chapter, but since they got home it isn't really the same story so I thought I'd wrap it up here. Thank you to everyone who has been reading from the start and everyone else who joined somewhere in the middle.  
Sorry it's been such a long time (For me anyway) since my last update but I've been away for the last week.  
The Boosh belongs to Noel (GOD!) and Julian (The other one).  
Enjoy XX  
P.S. There is a bit of weiredness in the middle I was kinda bored...****

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******

A fairytale ending…

"Come on Vince, don't stay out all night…" Howard was pacing around the shop, mumbling to himself, waiting for me to get back. I opened the door, Gary Numan badge pinned to my t-shirt "Vince!" Howard shouted at me "Where the hell have you been? I've been waiting for hours!"

"What time is it?"

"Its half one. Didn't you know that?"

"Yeah, I was just testing you… Corse I didn't know!"

"Why are you up so late though?"

I shrugged.

"Vince, where did you get that badge?"

"I found it in our old hut at the zoo…"

"The zoo? Why did you go there?"

"It's my happy place, OK. I go there when anything goes wrong, to make myself feel better"

Howard looked blank. All of the nights he thought I was out in some club, dancing, getting drunk and meeting girls, I was actually at the zoo. Re-living the memories, all the memories. Training Howard to fight a Kangaroo, freeing the mutants, saving Howard from monkey hell, Going to the tundra, the Hitcher, everything.

"I'm off to bed, night Howard" I set off up the stairs.

Howard hesitated then said "Night little man".

I trudged into my bedroom, clothes dripping onto the floor, and threw myself onto my bed.

-X-

"_Morning" Howard walked into the room, tray in hand._

"_Mornin Howard"_

"_I brought you breakfast"_

"_Thanks" I said taking the tray from him._

"_Erm Vince…"_

"_Yeah" I said with a mouth full of rice crispies._

"_How do I say this…" Howard got down on one knee and pulled a HUGE diamond ring out of his pocket "Vince Noir, will you marry me?"_

I woke up, breathing heavily "What on earth was that all about?" I almost shouted.

-X-

"Mornin Howard" I said as he walked down the stairs. He looked shocked, probably because I was eating breakfast.

"What are you doing up this early?"

"Couldn't sleep"

He nodded.

I lowered my head.

"Howard, I'm really sorry about last night." I said to my cereal "I shouldn't have stormed out, but we were on Red Dwarf and we did kiss and…"

"I know"

"Huh?"

"You shouldn't be the one apologising, that's my job. I mean Naboo told me to pretend it was all a dream but it's not fair"

"Really? Are you sure your not just saying that to make me feel better?"

"Yes I'm sure. And I'm so sorry that I went along with it"

"It's OK Howard, the past is the past, forget it. Does this mean you do love me?"

"Without a doubt! I love you Vince, I always have"

I just looked at him, I could feel a huge smile forming on my face "Well, lets just hope we never see them again, I couldn't handle more of Rimmer complaining."

"We won't see them again, don't worry about that. What I'm more worried about is what I'm gonna say to Naboo…"

"We just won't tell him"

"That sounds good, shall we open up the shop?"

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**So thats it. Hope you liked it!  
I am thinking of writing a sequel, no promises though...**

**Stay mental,  
The Crack Fox XX**


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